The Deadly Pneumonia

SARS or Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome is suspected to have infected some people in my area. It has caused my local hospital to be closed to all visitors other than parents of pediatric patients or family of the critically ill. All elective surgery has been canceled along with all diagnostic imaging (MRI, CT, X-ray etc.) appointments. Many hospitals in the surrounding areas have been shut down to the public as well. Over 1800 staff is under quarantine after 4 patients were positively diagnosed with SARS at one hospital. About 53 people worldwide have died and hundreds more are falling ill. Scary, isn't it?People are snapping up protective masks quicker than the stores can supply them according to the front page of my local paper. You can be sure I will not be venturing far from home or visiting my doctor, unless I have limbs that are falling off, until they get this disease under control.

100 Random Questions

I came across this in many other journals while journal hopping and was starting to feel left out so I decided to join in on the fun... ok I was just bored. Anyway, here it is.1. Are you an innie or an outie? Definitely innie.2. Have you ever worn bell-bottoms? No, but I have worn flared jeans, which is pretty close.3. Have you ever written a song? Yes, I've written many. Some even with musical accompaniment on my guitar. 4. Can you make change for a dollar right now? Yes. 5. Have you ever been in the opposite sex's bathroom? Not to my recollection. 6. Have you ever smelled your own feet? Hasn’t everyone? As a matter of fact, I've even made other people smell them to prove that they don't smell. Strangely enough, my feet never smell even after the hardest workouts or longest walks. Neither do my shoes.7. Do you like ketchup on or beside your French fries? Actually, I prefer my fries plain except for salt. I do, however, have ketchup on occasion and it's always on the side.8. Can you touch your tongue to your nose? Yes, I can.9. Have you ever been a boy/girl scout? Nope.10. Have you ever broken a mirror? A few, I believe.11. Have you ever put your tongue on a frozen pole? Perhaps, as a child. 12. What is your biggest pet peeve? Aside from the big things like bigotry and ignorance I’d have to say when people put the toilet paper on the wrong way. 13. Do you slurp your drink after it's gone? Sometimes, it depends on how good it was.14. Have you ever blown bubbles in your milk? Yes.15. Would you rather eat a Big Mac or a Whopper? A Big Mac. I can't stand Burger King. I got a bad burger there once and I've learned my lesson. 16. Have you ever gone skinny-dipping? Yes. 17. When you are at the grocery store, do you ask for paper or plastic? My grocery store doesn't offer paper so it's always plastic and I have to pay 5 cents a bag.18. True or False: You would rather eat steak than pizza? False.19. Did you have a baby blanket? If so, what did you call it? Sadly, no.20. Have you ever tried to cut your own hair? Other than my bangs, no. I did, however, cut my best friends hair once when we were about 9 or so. I cut off about 6inches and it was all uneven. 21. Have you ever sleepwalked? Yes.22. Have you ever had a birthday party at McDonalds? No.23. Can you flip your eyelids up? Maybe, I've never tried.24. Are you double jointed? Kind of. I can do funny things with my arms.25. If you could be any age, what would you be? Eternally 21 please.26. Have you ever gotten gum stuck in your hair? No, but I slipped once, while painting, and my hair landed in a tray of light green paint. 27. Have you ever thrown-up after a roller coaster ride? No. I've never even been on one that goes upside down. I'm afraid of falling out. 28. What is your dream car? Any type of Lamborghini.30. Would you go swimming in shallow waters where, one year earlier, a shark had attacked a child? Not bloody likely! 31. How many cavities do you have? None. Dental hygiene is important you know.32. Have you ever eaten a dog biscuit? Yes, as a child, out of curiosity.33. If you were in a car sinking in a lake, which would you do first: unbuckle your seat belt or open your window? Window, then seatbelt.34. Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? Yes.35. Can you pick something up with your toes? Yes, many things. I do it all the time when I'm too lazy pick something up off the floor. I can manipulate a pen or pencil with my toes also.36. How many remote controls do you have in your house? Around 7, I think.37. Have you ever fallen asleep in school? No.38. How many times have you flown in an airplane in the last year? I've never flown in a plane. I'm not sure I ever want to.39. How many foreign countries have you visited? None.40. If you were out of shape, would you compete in a triathlon if you were somehow guaranteed to win a big, gaudy medal? I think not.41. Would you rather be rich and unhappy, or poor and happy? Poor, I guess. 42. If you fell into quicksand, would you try to swim or try to float? Float. 44. Do you ask for directions when you are lost? If I have to.45. Have you ever had a Mexican jumping bean? No. I've never even seen one. Is there such a thing?46. Are you more like Cinderella or Alice in Wonderland? Alice.47. Would you rather have an ant farm with no ants or a box of crayons with broken points? I'll go with the crayons. I'm sure I could still manage to color without the points. 48. Do you prefer light or dark bread? White. Other than whole wheat, I can't stand dark breads.49. Do you prefer scrambled or fried eggs? Fried, I guess, although I enjoy both.50. Have you ever been in a car that ran out of gas? Almost, but not quite.51. Do you talk in your sleep? Yes, and often I might add.52. Would you rather shovel snow or mow the lawn? Mow the lawn. Shoveling screws up my back.53. Would you rather be bitten by a poisonous snake or constricted by a python? What kind of question is that? Python, I guess.54. Have you ever played in the rain? Yes! Especially in the summer when the water is cool and refreshing on a hot day yet warm enough you don't get a chill. I love thunderstorms as well. It's beautiful the way lightning lights up the sky.55. Which do you think is more dangerous: an angry bear or a hungry white shark? If I'm in the water then I'd say shark otherwise the bear.56. Would you climb a very high tree to save a kitten? Yep, big softy here when it comes to animals.57. Can you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? Yes, their snouts are shaped differently.58. Do you drink Pepsi or Coke? I don't really like carbonated drinks, especially Coke or Pepsi but I prefer Coke because it's sweeter.59. What's your favorite number? 960. If you were a car, would you be an SUV or a sports car? Sports car.61. Have you ever accidentally taken something from a hotel? Never.62. Would you blow your nose at the dinner table? Eewww, no! 63. Have you ever slipped in the bathtub? Probably, but I've never been hurt.64. Do you use regular or deodorant soap? Neither, I use moisturizing soap.65. Have you ever locked yourself out of the house? Yes, I had to climb in through the back window. I've also locked my keys in my trunk when I was on my way to meet up with my hubby for a game of golf. Unfortunately, I have a car that requires the keys to be in the ignition for the trunk release to work and had no spare keys. Talk about screwed.66. Would you rather make your living as a singing cowboy or as one of the Simpson's voices? A Simpson voice for sure.67. If you could invite any movie star to your home for dinner, who would it be? Oh god, that's tough. How about Angelina Jolie just because she's crazy, kooky, strange and I find that interesting. 68. Have you ever made a semi truck honk? Not on purpose.69. Which would you rather live with: a huge nose or crossed eyes? I don't know. Neither one sound very appealing. Nose, I guess.70. Would you hang out with someone your best friend didn't like? I'm not big on what other people think so, yes71. Would you hang out with someone your best friend liked, but you didn't like? I try not to make a habit of being around people who irk me so, definitely not.72. Have you ever returned a gift? To the store, yes. To the person who gave it to me, no.73. Would you give someone else a gift that had been given to you? Not likely.74. If you could attend an Olympic Event, what would it be? Gymnastics.75. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 7-876. If your grandmother gave you a gift that you already have, would you tell her? Probably not.77. Do you sing in the car? Most definitely!78. Would you rather jump into a dumpster or into a vat of honey? Dumpster. I'm not a strong swimmer and I bet it's even harder to swim in honey.79. What is your favorite breed of dog? Huskies. They're beautiful dogs.80. Would you donate money to feed starving animals in the winter? Yes.81. If you were a bicycle, would you be a stingray or a mountain bike? What's a stingray?82. What is your least favorite fruit? Oranges. All that white shit on them grosses me out.83. What kind of fruit have you never had? Hmmm... I'm not sure. Mango maybe?84. If you won a $5,000 shopping spree to any store, which store would you pick? Anywhere that sells electronics. I love computers and all other types of gizmos.85. What brand sports apparel do you wear the most? Nike.86. How many letters will/did I earn in my high school career? I don't know what that means. I never went to high school.87. Among your friends, who could you arm wrestle and beat? All of them. I work out you know.88. If you had to choose, what branch of the military would you be in? No military for me, thanks.89. Would you ever parachute out of a plane? Are you crazy!? No way!90. What do you think is your best feature? My mind. 91. If you were to win a Grammy, what kind of music would it be for? Pop/Rock.92. What is your favorite season? Summer.93. How many members do you have in your immediate family? 494. Which of the five senses is most important to you? Sight.95. Would you be a more successful painter or singer? Singer, if I could get past that damn stage fright.96. Have you ever ridden a tortoise? Huh? Is that possible?97. How many years will/did you end up going to college? To be determined.98. Have you ever had surgery? I had my tonsils out when I was 3.99. Would you rather be a professional figure skater or professional football player? I'm not really built for football so I'll go with figure skater.100. What do you like to collect? Hardcover books of my favorite authors.

This week in a nutshell.

This week has been pretty slow. I managed to get a jump-start on the spring cleaning on Monday. I might add that I had to miss the gym to do it and I'm not happy about that. There's still a ton of things to be done and since I loathe housework you can bet that it will be well into summer before I do it all. I got my son his first two-wheeler with training wheels this week. It's so adorable to watch him riding it up and down the sidewalk. I actually broke out my roller blades, blew off the dust, killed all the spiders that I found and went down the bike path with my son on his new bike. I think I will try to make it into a daily ritual. It should tire him out a bit and since he will do anything to say awake until 11:00pm I think it will help get him to bed at a decent time. Hell, most nights I'm ready for bed and have to wait for him to fall asleep so I can go to bed. He falls asleep in our bed and then I put him in his own so my bedtime has come down to whenever he finally passes out.My roller blades are around 8 years old but are virtually unused, as I can't skate very well. I don't even know how to stop but I manage to stay upright in most cases. The roller blades are cheap and hurt my feet so I'll be buying some new soft boot ones in the next week. Maybe by the end of the summer I'll have finally learned how to stop.I pumped all the water off of the pool cover but there's still a circle of ice 6inches thick with a pile of rotting leaves in the center that has yet to melt. The Hubby thinks we'll have the pool open for my son's birthday (May 31st) but the damn thing has frozen straight to the bottom this year and I'm not so sure it will be possible.The guy that is going to be building the bar for our basement came to take measurements and give a rough estimate. He says between $6-8,000.00!! Can you believe that this price is 30% lower than what most charge?We are sick of redoing the basement ourselves and it takes up way too much time. With all the things we have on the go there's not enough hours in the day to get it finished before the summer, which is what we planned on. We've decided to pay someone else to finish the drywall so we can move on to bigger and better things such as flooring, painting, and furniture. I had a dream that I was in a large building or tower that was one of three standing side by side. I saw a bomb hit the towers through a third persons eye, reducing them to rubble instantly, all the while knowing I was in one of them. I remember wondering in the dream if I would be aware of the nothingness that would come after I died or if I would just cease to be. Must be a bit of the war seeping into my subconscious.Well, that pretty much sums up my week. I told you it was a slow one.

This-or-That Tuesday: The Arts Edition

1. Poetry or prose?Prose.2. Funky modern art or the older, "classic" variety?Definitely the older, "classic" variety.3. Sculptures or paintings? Paintings, unless I'm the one doing the sculpting or painting, then I'd have to say sculpting.4. Theatre: exuberant musical or serious drama?I've never been to the theater but my best guess would be musical.5. Ballet or modern dance?I like both really but if I had to choose I'd have to say modern.6. Movies: major studio or indie?Both equally.7. Authors: Shakespeare or Dr. Seuss?Again, I enjoy both but I'll say Shakespeare.8. TV: PBS or A&E?A&E.9. Music: Beethoven or Beatles?The Beatles.10. Thought-provoking question of the week: You are a contributing member of your favorite art museum, and visit on a regular basis. They announce a new, temporary special exhibit by an artist surrounded by controversy...this person's work and/or political views offend you. Do you stop supporting the museum, or just stay away during the time the exhibit is there? I know quite a few people whose views offend me and I deal. If it's the work that offends me than I don't have to view it. So, I guess the answer to the question is no, I would not stop supporting my favorite museum simply because they chose to exhibit the work of someone who's views or work offended me.

Casino Rama

We arrived in Orillia a little later than expected since we stopped for a bite to eat first. We checked into the hotel around 4:00pm. The room wasn't exactly the Hilton but it was nice enough, more importantly, it was clean. There were two double beds covered in gaudy, orange patterned coverlets, a table with two yellow arm chairs that sunk in a little too deeply when you sat in them, a T.V. on a low lying dresser, a desk with a half length mirror above it and finally, a bathroom with a sink, shower and an industrial type toilet that are usually found in public restrooms. The room served its purpose, as we didn't intend to hang out in it, just sleep and the beds were comfortable. The shuttle that took you to the casino would come at 5:20pm, which left us plenty of time to settle in and get ready to go. We made it to the casino around 6:00pm and got $100.00 each in quarter tokens for the slot machines. We must have played the slots for 4 hours or more, changing our tokens to 50 cent pieces and dollar pieces many times through out, never having to get more once. The hubby won $300.00 on one of the machines and my biggest win of the night was about $75.00. We won many smaller amounts that kept our cups full and allowed us to play as long as we did. Our luck probably would have let us play all night but we didn't. We cashed in our tokens and made our way to a "Let It Ride" table. For those who don't know what let it ride is, I'll give a brief description. You need a minimum of $45.00 to enter the game. You get three cards and the dealer has two face down and when added to your three, will make your poker hand. A pair of Jacks or better wins. You place your bets in groups of three, each consisting of $15.00. After you look at your hand you can either pull back the first $15.00 bet or if you are confident that you will win or have a chance at a hand that pays great odds you can let the bet ride. The dealer will then flip one of their cards, giving you a better idea at what your hand might be. You are again allowed to remove one of your $15.00 bets or let it ride. The bottom line is that you must put in $45.00 but, depending on what you choose to do, may only loose $15.00. We played for about 20min. and lost around $250.00. I had $30.00 in chips left and took them to a Roulette table. I won some and lost some. I turned my $30.00 into $75.00 at one point just betting on red or black but in the end I lost it. We decided that we had had enough and made our way to the bar near the entrance of the casino to wait for the shuttle. The last shuttle came at 1am so we had to wait for a half hour before it came. We ended up back at the hotel at 1:30am and went to bed. All in all, we had a great time and still came home with some money in our pockets. We didn't win the big money but we were definitely lucky since you can burn away $100.00 in a half an hour on the slots easily. We've decided to make the trip to the casino every 6mths or so from now on and just have a bit of fun with the chance of winning big. I can't wait!

Almost time to go

I'll be leaving for Orillia in about three hours. It takes an hour and a half to get there so, by my estimate I should be gambling my ass of in around 5 hours. I'm getting a little revved up here now.I plan on trying my hand at a little blackjack and maybe some craps but mostly I'll just be sticking to the slots. Wish me luck.

Friday Five

1. If you had the chance to meet someone you've never met, from the past or present, who would it be?My father. I've never met him and, as far as I know, he's still alive. I have many questions, most of which wouldn't be very nice, I'm sure. I'd probably end up disappointed that I use him as my choice of the one person in time I could have met.2. If you had to live in a different century, past or future, which would it be?I'd love to be able to see what we've done with the world a 1000 years from now. 3. If you had to move anywhere else on Earth, where would it be?I wouldn't want to live anywhere else in the world other than where I am. But if I had to choose I'm sure it would be somewhere that was a little bit warmer year round. Maybe California or Hawaii.4. If you had to be a fictional character, who would it be?Ohhh... that's a hard one. Off the top of my head I'd have to say maybe Jean Grey aka The Phoenix from X-Men. All that psychic and telekinetic power... I could rule the world! *Evil laugh*5. If you had to live with having someone else's face as your own for the rest of your life, whose would it be?Angelina Jolie's for sure.

A little gambling

Well, the Hubby and I are off to Casino Rama on Saturday. My daughter will be with her father for the weekend and my son is staying with his Grammy. We'll only be gone for the one night but it should be fun. We are going to stay at a hotel in Orillia and take the shuttle to the casino. Hopefully we'll come back a little richer.We plan to gamble for a while, check out some live music, and eat some great food. It should be a nice get away if only for a day.I've already made reservations for the hotel room. All we have to do now is wait for Saturday.The last time we went away for the night and stayed at a hotel was over four years ago and we were less one child. We went to Niagara Falls and did a little gambling there too. It was a good time. It was the first time I had been to a casino since I was just barely old enough to get in. This will be my second time to a casino. Wow, I really don't get out enough, do I? Ah well, let luck be a lady Saturday night.

Friends in low places

The following entry will be fairly long, as it requires quite a bit of back-story to truly understand. This is something that happened about a week ago and I haven't put it to paper (or journal) until now. Most of this post will be about past events that led up to last week and will finish with my uncertainty as to what I should do now. Be forewarned that the following is not an uplifting tale. I have one friend in this world. She's been my best friend since kindergarten. She and I are 24 now. She's had a rough life by some standards. Her mother is an alcoholic who had drank while pregnant and is presently living with a disease that destroys the liver. She's pretty much killing herself by continuing to drink but I bet one of the reasons that she drinks is because of the disease. Talk about irony. My friend, we'll call her J, grew up with her mother and has never known a father. He was murdered when she was three. That's one thing that we had in common, she and I. I've never met my father. Men came and went in her mother's life, bringing experiences that were pleasant and others that you never forget no matter how hard you try. I remember one time being with J, her mother and the man of the week, who's name I can't remember, at an apartment complex that had a swimming pool. We were going to go swimming and, at the time, let's just say I wasn't exactly a fish out of water. I was about 8 years old then. Apparently, J's mom and the boyfriend were high on coke and I remember being told by the boyfriend, for some reason unknown to me, that he didn't wear underwear. The only reason I mention this is because I believe it gives one insight into the character of a man that would share this type of info with an 8-year-old girl. Later, when we entered the pool area, the boyfriend thought it would be funny to throw a child that can't swim into the deep end of the pool to see if she'll sink or swim. I sank. This experience, combined with a few more later in my childhood, left me with a healthy fear of the water, which I carry with me to this day, although I do swim. The point of this is to let you know the kind of people we're dealing with here. At one point I believe one of J's mom's men actually got into bed with her in her early teen years and tried, unsuccessfully, to molest her. So, as you can see, her mom wasn't exactly the epitome of well adjustedness or emotional stability, considering the company she kept and most of our behaviors are learned, which brings me back to J. J went through a deep depression when she was 20 that was brought on by a job that had her working the hours when most people are all snug in their beds. This job took away her social life with the exception of the loser boyfriend of that time. She stopped calling me and wouldn't answer the phone when I called. Actually, I don't think she ever answered the phone. That's the funny thing. The job, originally, was what had instigated her social seclusion but it was J that maintained it. When I was finally able to get in touch with her I found out that she was about four months pregnant, no longer with the father, and was in complete denial about it. At four months she was already past the point of abortion as a choice and was not financially stable enough to take care of herself much less a child. She still lived at home and all this happened right under her mother's nose and it never sent up an alert even thought she had been in the same boat herself at one time. J's mother had a baby at 18 and had given it up for adoption and it seemed that J would be following in her mother's footsteps. J went into labor at the adoption agency's office, having put off the inevitable for so long. Nothing had been finalized with regard to the adoption and the baby went to a foster home until decisions could be made. J stayed with me after the birth for a few days while she chose a family for her son, eventually deciding to go home so she could crawl back into her hole of depression, uninterrupted and unnoticed while leaving a wake of loose ends behind her. The baby remained in foster care for many weeks while the agency desperately tried to reach J to sign papers and such, so the baby could be placed in the home that she chose. This, of course, made me furious. The fact that she would leave her baby to bond with a family that he would ultimately be taken from enraged me. I received many calls from the agency trying to reach her. I went as far as to tell them to go to her apartment and repeatedly buzz her suite until she answered because I knew she was there. It didn't work. Again, her mother did nothing as far as I'm concerned. I finally spoke with her mother and asked her straight out what the hell was going on and when she was going to get J to sign those papers. Her response was mostly made up of "I know" and "I've been telling her this and that" - bla bla bla. Hello … Obviously not working. She got J on the phone at which point I blasted her about how irresponsible and selfish she was being which, as you can imagine, didn't go over well. I felt badly later but someone had to say those things to get her ass moving. There would be plenty of time for her to wallow in self-pity after her job was done and that's exactly what she did. Months later she was sleeping all the time, had no job, no social life to speak of, and the boyfriend was still gone. He had never known that she was ever pregnant or that she had given the baby up. I eventually encouraged her to come over to the house and have some dinner and rent a movie; nothing special, just spend some time in the real world. We ate something unassuming and watched "The Sixth Sense", relaxing on the couch. In retrospect, those details seem meaningless considering what was to come. J stayed the night and we spent the better part of the next morning playing card games. I even got out my tarot cards, giving her readings to the best of my abilities, which aren't great; let me tell you. We talked, we played games, we watched some T.V., and then it was time for her to go. She said that she would go to her aunt's place, hang out for a while and try and get a ride home. I told her to call me and she said she would. I knew she wouldn't and that I'd end up calling her but that was fine with me. I didn't hear from her, which was expected. What wasn't expected was the call that I got from her mother that night; J had not gone to her aunt's but instead had made her way to a set of train tracks, laid down on them, and waited for the train. The fact that she had laid between them and not across them really meant shit. Clearly this was a cry for help. To this day I still think about what could have been. What if she had made one wrong move, raised her head at the wrong moment as the train passed over her or had really just wanted to die? These are things I don't like to think about but they invade my mind from time to time. Her stint in the hospital began once the police were able to talk her out from under the train. I visited her there, now and then, looking for signs that she was improving, that she was somewhere closer to being herself again but I was disappointed more often than not. She was only there for a few months. When the doctors felt it was time for her to go home she wasn't ready. She knew that going back to the dingy little apartment she shared with her mother was not going to help and the fact that the medication they had her on didn't seem to do anything was a factor as well. The first of the two problems was rectified when her uncle allowed her to stay at his home, rent-free. The second problem was never solved. During the summer she spent at her uncles, she took herself of her meds, began sleeping with a guy more than twice her age, carried on a friendship with a woman she met in the hospital, and all the while cohabitating with a man who was a strange bird indeed, family or no. She was getting better in spite of all this. The medicine had made her hear voices and see things that weren't there, the new friendship was fleeting at best, and her uncle was nutty but did not hinder her recovery. That leaves the man she had hooked up with. He was an artist and a womanizer who had no real right to be. She indulged in that relationship against her better judgment and mine, as well as the advise of her doctor. It didn't last. As all things must come to an end so did her stay at "casa de uncle". Her aunt was having a house built and would be moving in and staying until its completion, which meant that J would be moving out. The house had belonged to J's grandparents who, when they died a couple years earlier, had left the house to their children. This meant that her aunt, by rights, could move in if she chose. When her uncle was faced with the choice of supporting his niece who was sick or sharing his humble yet disastrous abode with a sister who would pick up the tab on half the bills, he chose the later. He probably would have let J stay but her aunt decided, under no uncertain terms that she would be leaving and her free ride was over. J moved back in with her mother, fearing the worst but hoping for the best. The fear that she would get sucked back down into the depression was almost palpable. I know because I felt it too. The first thing on her to do list was to find a job. I offered to let her stay with me if she found a job in the general area, despite the inconvenience it would pose as I had a common-law husband and two children. She lived in the next town over and that option raised the odds of finding a job a bit in her favor. During her stay back with mommy dearest she hooked up with some new friends and met a man whom she became involved with, we'll call him G. Turns out it wasn't the healthiest of relationships as this man was prone to bouts of crying and stating things such as he would kill himself if she ever left him. This was after an involvement of about two weeks. He was 26 years old, wouldn't say shit if he had a mouthful, was unintelligible when he did speak, partly due to his Newfoundland accent, and the longer of his two sole relationships in his life had only been a couple weeks. He couldn't read either, which meant he had very little to offer in the way of… well, life prospects, really. The fact that he couldn't read didn't bother me half as much as the fact that he was unwilling to learn. J managed to get a job interview at a Subway shop not a 10 minute walk from my house. The strange thing was that G showed up at the interview. It seems he had a habit of showing up at strange times and out of nowhere, almost like he was spying. He also had a habit of accusing her of cheating with absolutely no motive, rhyme, or reason. J got the job, which meant she would be staying with me, which she did, except for weekends. Those she spent at her mothers with her G until a ring was stolen and G was suspected as the thief. Her mother told J that he was not welcome in her home any longer but when J's mom wasn't around to object, he was there. No one approved of their relationship, least of all me but J was never one to take advice on love and relationships or on anything else for that matter. She continued to work at Subway and stay with me until she quit a few weeks later or so I thought. I was to find out later that she was fired for reasons unknown to me to this day. Subsequently, she moved back to her moms again only this time her mother kicked her out after a few months. It had something to do with them fighting all the time and money or rather the lack of it. J and G found some little hole of a place in the upstairs of a house and moved in there together. With no phone and no vehicle or licenses for either of them, keeping in touch became difficult. The only times I spoke to J was when I got in my car and drove down there until I got fed up with the one sidedness of our friendship. I vowed not to go there again until she called me or made some effort of her own to maintain our friendship. I didn't hear from her for months. I finally broke down and showed up at her door, knocking incessantly until she answered. What I found was a deeply troubled woman. The mask of depression had settled on her face once again. She was hardly recognizable, her weight had ballooned to over 200lbs, her hair was unkempt and hung in her face and she looked like one of the most unhappiest people I've ever seen. I played all these images through my mind as I sat at her kitchen table, searching for words, searching for answers. Finally, I asked her the one question that kept niggling at my brain… "You're pregnant aren't you," I said. It was more of a statement then a question. "Ya, I am," she said sharply, waiting for me to make something of it. I didn't. I asked her how far along she was so I could weigh the options. Six months. That meant that she knew the last time I saw her and she never told me, never even hinted at it. I asked her why she never told me and, as I suspected, she hadn't wanted to hear what I would have had to say. She didn't want hear how stupid she was for letting it happen. She didn't want to hear how she couldn't afford to care for a baby. She didn't want to hear that she knew next to nothing about raising children. She didn't want to hear. She never did. Although J had not been using protection, we all know that other things can be done to lessen the odds of pregnancy. G would have none of it and he made sure that the one thing that would keep them linked forever happened. She had risked everything by mistakenly putting her trust in him and look at what it got her. Six months later she had a 3mth old baby girl she hardly knew what to do with and lived in a shit hole with a man who had been laid-off from his job building skids and ended up on welfare. There was next to no money, no transportation, and no means of communication other than a cell phone she received as a gift that she bought minutes for when she could afford it, which was almost never. She was truly unhappy. I called her regularly, reaching her only 1% of the time. I had been out of touch with her for a few months as I couldn't contact her on the phone and the beginning of this year had been fairly busy for me so, consequently, I hadn't made it down to see her during that time. March break came and I decided to pay a visit since I wasn't tied down by my children's time schedule. I got the kids in the car and drove down just before lunch. I knocked on the door and heard movement and the flush of a toilet but couldn't be sure if it was J or the occupants of the lower apartment. I knocked a few more times after getting no response while the children waited in the car. After having knocked numerous times I resigned myself to the fact that she might not be home. I got back in the car and pulled away, intent on going home but when I reached the corner I found myself driving around the block and pulling up at the front of her house again. I decided to try knocking just one more time. This time I distinctly heard voices coming from the upper level of the house proceeded by footsteps on the stairs. G opened the door for me and returned up the stairs without saying a word. I made some comment about it being rude to not answer the door when it is so clearly obvious that you're home. It's not like I was a sales person or one of those religion peddlers who tried to convert anyone who'd answer the door. Those type didn't come 'round their neck of the woods anyway. Maybe they felt the folks that lived there weren't worth saving. I got the kids out of the car and herded them up the stairs only to be greeted by… no one? No matter, I told the kids to take off their coats and shoes, doing the same myself. I found J sitting on the couch in the living room next to G. Obviously, he hadn't been called back to work yet. The conversation that followed went a little something like this: "Why didn't you answer the door," I asked. "I was about to have a nap and I didn't feel like having company," J said unkindly. "I've been trying to call you for months." "Yeah, well, I had to sell my phone," she said, which I took to mean that they had needed formula or diapers or some such and couldn't afford it. "You have a car. You can come and visit me any time you want," J stated. "I thought that's what I was doing." "Yeah, well, what do you want me to do?" "Well, you could stop talking to me like that for starters." Things were definitely not right. J began fidgeting with one of the baby's hats and never moved from where she sat. "What's the matter with you," I asked, my temper rising. I could feel the pulsating of my heartbeat throughout my whole body. "Nothing! I just don't feel like having company," she said, her voice rising. And then it hit me. Maybe she wasn't saying what she might because there sat G, right beside her, never having moved either. "Come for a ride with me in the car then. We'll talk." "I don't want to go for a ride." At this point I'd had enough. "I thought you were my friend J. The only one making any attempt to maintain this friendship is me." She said nothing, just kept twisting the hat into knots and releasing. Twist. Release. Twist. Release. There wasn't going to be much left once she was through with her torture of it. I hadn't seen the baby at all during the conversation and began to worry that her current state was caused by much more dire circumstances than an interrupted nap. Maybe the baby had been taken away by social services. The mind works in mysterious ways sometimes and I had to ask. "Where's the baby?" "She's in the bedroom." I was relieved to hear that but an uncomfortable silence ensued and it was clear that I was not wanted there. "Look, obviously I'm not welcome so I'll just go." I went to the door and had the kids put their things back on while they asked me why we were leaving. I didn't really have an answer. "Have a nice life," I said and shut the door behind me. She didn't even say goodbye. I got in my car and sped off towards home, upset, unnerved, and full of questions that weren't being answered. And now it seems that we've come full circle. We're right back where we started years ago only now it's more complicated. Our feet are planted firmly in the present yet somehow in the past as well and there's just one question that keeps niggling at my brain…Well, there you have it. Hopefully, this is not how the story ends. TBC?

Success!

My LJ client is working again! Yeah! I have Zonealarm firewall and apparently (even though it hasn't been running and I took it off my startup list) has been the problem. I uninstalled it and presto, Semagic worked again. Strange but true.

LJ clients and proxy settings

I am seriously getting pissed! I use Semagic as a client to update my LJ and every time I try to log on to update I get this little annoying error stating that it can't connect to the server and to try again later. This bloody thing has been telling me to try again later for two days now! I tried the proxy setting solution which did shit. I've had my proxy settings set for a year now and, according to my ISP, they haven't changed. I've tried downloading some of the other clients only to find myself running into the same problem all over again. As a last resort I posed a question in the support section and their solution is that it is likely my proxy settings have changed with my ISP and I have to enter the new setting. Well, nuh-uh. You'd think that they'd have some other things I could try but they're not exactly being forthcoming in the solution department. One useless response and that's all she wrote kiddies. I guess I'm shit out of luck until the problem fixes itself or someone grabs a clue 'cause I've done all I can do on my end.*Edited to add:* So I guess the problem does have something to do with my proxy settings. My MSN messenger isn't working either. I'm going to have to call my ISP today and get this straitened out. I don't have a clue as to why this has happened. IE won't even automatically detect my proxy settings anymore so I'll have to get them and enter them manually. What a pain in the ass.

Photoshop 7 & The Friday Five

So, I've finally learnt how to use photoshop without having to guess at what I was doing. I actually made a few of my own Buffy icons and they turned out pretty good. Working with layers can give you amazing results and I plan to delve into them further in the future and see what I can come up with. Next on my list is to learn how to make those lovely little animated icons.----------------------------I'm not liking the friday five this week but what the hell...1. Do you like talking on the phone? Why or why not?I guess it depends on my mood and who I'm talking to. Mostly, I'd have to say no because I usually have other things I'd rather be doing than be tied to a phone and a lot of the time I just do those other things anyway and miss half of the conversation.2. Who is the last person you talked to on the phone?The hubby's best friend.3. About how many telephones do you have at home?Two, soon to be three, once the basement is finished.4. Have you encountered anyone who has really bad phone manners? What happened?None that I can recall.5. Would you rather pick up the phone and call someone or write them an e-mail or a letter? Why or why not?I'll have to go with e-mail or letter. Why? See #1 above.

Friday Five

1. What was the last song you heard? Turn The Page - Chantal Kreviazuk.2. What were the last two movies you saw? Unfaithful and Minority Report.3. What were the last three things you purchased? Gym clothes, glade plug-in refill, and laundry soap.4. What four things do you need to do this weekend? Tear up the carpet in my bedroom, clean the ferret cage, drywall the basment, and housework.5. Who are the last five people you talked to? My son, my hubby, my daughter's dad, hubby's mom and her boyfriend.

Disturbing Dreams

I just got up and thought I'd write what I could remember before it all faded away to that place where dreams go, never to be remembered again.I woke up in the middle of the night. 3am to be exact after having a dream that someone was chasing the hubby and me in a truck. We ran down the road, trying to get away but were not faring well against the truck. The roads were lined with huge snow banks, which made our escape difficult. I don't remember much else other than when I woke up I went to the bathroom looking behind me all the way, searching for some phantom, dream escapee that might have been hiding behind the door. I had another dream just before I woke up, which is quickly fading but the feeling it produced remains. I wouldn't call it a nightmare because it wasn't terrifying in the way that you can't go back to sleep after you wake because I was strong in the dream until the end. There were people I knew yet they had no reason to be there; people I've seen at the gym, some I've never seen before. My house was mine yet wasn't as was my street. It seems that my hubby's mother was like some kind of serial killer yet I had the feeling that it wasn't her in that body. I think it was the hubby inside of her. She/he was trying to hurt everyone and control them, especially me. I got desperate and grabbed one of those knives that come in a casing that sharpens every time you remove it or put it in the case. I used it to slice through many people in the dream in defense, stopping to sharpen it many times along the way. Apparently, cutting through flesh dulls the dream-knife quickly. My daughter is there and I thought I could say I was sending her off to school, but really for help, which I knew that she/he would not object to but remembered that yesterday was the last day of school and she/he would know it was a scam. I looked out the window and saw friends of my daughter coming outside to play. In real life these friends do not live around here. I told my daughter to run around the corner to where my hubby's real mother lives for help at which point she left. I was broken at this point and no longer had my knife. She/he came at me with a sickening desire in her/his eyes. She/he started to get sexual at which point I woke up. Thank god!In real life my hubby and his mother are really good people. I love his mother to death; she's like my best friend. Normally I do not dream about people I know or family even which added to the strangeness. I could probably analyze this to death and I'm sure Freud would have a field day with it but I think I'll just leave it alone. Feel free to share your interpretations if you like.

I ...

I am saddened by the news that the only show I really enjoy watching will be no more after the end of this season. I can understand SMG’s reasoning behind her decision to leave Buffy but it doesn't make it any easier. I hold out hope for a spin-off that includes JM among the cast. Hopefully, Angel won't be canceled and I'll still have something to watch provided they keep the writing at the level they're at now. I must say though, that I think I was watching Angel more because they brought back Angelus. He just has the best dialogue. Angel - SalvageThis episode was great. I enjoyed Faith more than I thought I would and it will be fun to see what will happen with this character on Buffy when she shows up.Cordy is all evil which is interesting. I can't wait to see how that came about.I thought it was cute that Conner was beginning to develop a little crush on Faith. Too bad that was ruined by Cordy's revelation. It's unlikely that he'll pursue that avenue now that he knows Cordy is pregnant. I wonder what that kid will be. Can't be normal, that's for sure. I patiently await "Release".I have decided to avoid all spoilers for Buffy from now through to the end. I figure if this is to be the end then I want to be surprised by all that comes about so I can enjoy it thoroughly. There's a reason they call them spoilers. On a brighter note: I did manage to write the better half of the first chapter of my little fic. I think I'll get back to it after this entry. I haven't written more because I've been too busy reading everyone else’s fics. I've been particularly enjoying spikewriter's "Secrets and Lies" which can be found on her LJ. I'm also waiting for the next part of estepheia's "Perdition Catch My Soul" which can be found on her site, Dead And Kicking, along with many of her other stories, which are all excellent.We've got more snow. I am so sick of snow. Bring on the sunny weather. I just looked out the window and it looks like there's another 5inches or more and I have a terrible back for shoveling. I threw it out when I was 17 and it's never healed so I have to be careful about what I do and don't do. I guess I've rambled on enough for now. Happy shoveling to those in the Durham and surrounding areas.

The Family

When I started this journal I had intended to keep my family out of it, keep it strictly personal with no mention of the kids or the hubby but it isn't that easy so I've decided to break that rule. I am 24 and I have 2 children. My eldest is a girl. She's 8 and in grade 3. She and I almost never see eye to eye and our relationship is strained at the best of times. I hope that time and growing up will work out these issues eventually but it can be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My son is 3 1/2 and is the exact opposite of my daughter. He cares when she doesn't, listens when she won't, and I bet you can imagine how much more of a strain is put on our relationship because of this. I'm sure she feels that he is favored over her because my son and I are on the same page more often than not. My daughter, however, seems to be in a different book entirely.Both of my children have their good and bad qualities and I can't wait to see the people they become.The other half and I live common-law and have been together 5 years now. He wants to get married and I don't. It's not really fear of commitment but more a fear of making the wrong choice. We all know the divorce rates and I don't want to become a statistic. We met when I was almost 19 and he was 36. I've never had issues with age differences and still don't but I feel that over the years I've grown into a person that doesn't quite mesh with who he is, at times, and it can cause problems. I guess that I worry that I may reach a point where I feel we are too different and that the differences will no longer compliment each other but complicate.Well, there you have it. I've reread this entry a few times and it sounds a little gloomy. That wasn't the intent. It probably has to do with PMS more than anything else, lol. I'm sure I'll have more family oriented entries that won't sound so blah but I guess it's the mood I'm in. No more entries until the blahs are gone.

All things not Buffy

Being back to the gym has been great, besides the overall stiffness and soreness of muscles. This will be gone soon as the first week or two are the worst. Subsequent stiffness is good; it lets you know you're working the muscles just the right amount. I've been going 5 times a week and haven't missed a day yet. Yay me!My little fic is still just that. Little. I'm not happy about this but I did finally get the beginning started, which in turn gave me more ideas for the rest, but I haven't taken a whole lot of time to work on it. *Personal note: Must get going on that fic. No more procrastinating!*I have written some more music for another song but am having trouble with the lyrics. All I have been able to come up with, thus far, is two lines of the chorus which is starting to really piss me off. I went to a local bar to see a band made up of a guy, his wife, and his best friend. George & Grace, as they call themselves, were amazing. They play there every Saturday from 3-6:00pm. and will be releasing a CD in the next 30 days. I will be buying one.They did a lot of covers and some of their original stuff as well. George (the husband) plays the guitar like no other. This guy rips out these songs better than the people who wrote them. I swear I was embarrassed for me when I pictured myself playing my guitar. I felt like such a hack.Grace (the wife) has a wonderful voice and I envy the courage she has to just get up and sing. I have a fondness for female vocalists and she certainly makes the cut.Sean (the best friend) plays bass. He was great as well. I talked with him after the show and he was a pleasure. Very cool guy and very friendly. We talked a lot about the whole musical process. He had plenty of interesting things to say on the subject.Anyhow, I hope to see them more in the future. Hell, I get off on that shit! I would spend every Saturday afternoon listening to them if I could.

Buffy & Angel

Buffy, this week, had to have been the best episode for season seven so far. It had all the necessary elements that makes the show great. I laughed out loud more than once. Some nice Buffy/Spike moments. We were not bombarded by SITs. I even like Dawn this epNotable moment:Willow: "[This date with Principal Wood] will help you move on..." Buffy: "Why does EVERYBODY in this house think I'm still in love with Spike?!"I'm not quite sure if this is a slip in writing or foreshadowing of some serious Spuffy action. According to season 6, she was never in love with Spike and now she is saying she was but isn't any longer. Just something to make you go hmmm... Well, it certainly gives me hope for Spuffy.Angel was excellent as well. I wonder about Cordy. It was totally out of character for her to have slept with Conner and the way they left last night’s ep. might explain why. It could also be intentionally misleading, although I find it highly unlikely for her to have stabbed whats-her-name if she was herself. Perhaps Cordy never returned from where she was and this is an evil imitation in her place. It seems to me that the Big Bad of this season just might be one and the same for both Buffy and Angel. Angelus said something about the Beast not being the big bad but just a minion and also said something that Spike had said in "Beneath You". Angelus: "This is just a warm up act...". I see big plans in the works for the finale of both shows. We already know that AH is doing an ep. of Angel so here begins the crossover. We'll see how far they decide to carry this through soon enough.Hurry up Tuesday!!

Buffy and Angel

Buffy - The Killer In MeOverall, I enjoyed this episode. Poor Spike can't seem to catch a break. They say no pain no gain but this is getting a little ridiculous. I was happy that I didn't have to sit through another episode loaded with teenaged slayer wannabes again.Yeah, Giles is now confirmed alive; I knew this of course. I am so glad that Riley didn't make an appearance.I find the whole Willow/Kennedy relationship a little off-putting. It just doesn't seem to ring true. I can't really see Willow being interested in her but I guess everyone needs someone sometimes.I can't wait for Buffy to give the ok to have the chip removed and some back-story on how Giles escaped the Harbingers. And the best line goes to Giles: "You think I'm evil if I bring a group of girls on a camping trip and DON'T touch them?"Bring on the next ep.Angel - SoullessI watched this episode mostly due to the fact that we would get to see Angelus again. I was blown away. This episode was excellent. The bad guy always gets the very best dialogue. The writing for this ep. was so smart. I can't wait for the next episode and I am not even a regular watcher of Angel. Since Angel's soul has mysteriously disappeared I guess we will all get the pleasure of some more of Angelus' brutal wit, snark, and malicious dialogue.

Unfaithful

So, I watched this movie last night and I liked it all right. Now, it wasn't great mind you, but it didn't make me want to turn it off either. Diane Lane is wife to a mild mannered Richard Gere and starts to have an affair with a nice looking actor named Olivier Martinez. It gets pretty hot and they're doing it like bunnies through the first half of the movie. Then something happened that just completely ruined it for me. If you want to know what that something is click on the link and if don't want to be spoiled, well, then I suggest that you don't. So, hubby finds out about said affair and, completely out of character, he ends up killing the guy accidentally. Here is where I expect him to call 911 or some such thing but what he does, instead, is roll him up in a rug and dump his body. They had already set the tone for this character and then tried to make me believe that he would now kill someone and try to cover it up. I don't think so. Anyhow, more stuff happens between this part and the end that is not believable so watch at your own risk and don't say I didn't warn you

Unfaithful

So, I watched this movie last night and I liked it all right. Now, it wasn't great mind you, but it didn't make me want to turn it off either. Diane Lane is wife to a mild mannered Richard Gere and starts to have an affair with a nice looking actor named Olivier Martinez. It gets pretty hot and they're doing it like bunnies through the first half of the movie. Then something happened that just completely ruined it for me. If you want to know what that something is click on the link and if don't want to be spoiled, well, then I suggest that you don't. So, hubby finds out about said affair and, completely out of character, he ends up killing the guy accidentally. Here is where I expect him to call 911 or some such thing but what he does, instead, is roll him up in a rug and dump his body. They had already set the tone for this character and then tried to make me believe that he would now kill someone and try to cover it up. I don't think so. Anyhow, more stuff happens between this part and the end that is not believable so watch at your own risk and don't say I didn't warn you

Unfaithful

So, I watched this movie last night and I liked it all right. Now, it wasn't great mind you, but it didn't make me want to turn it off either. Diane Lane is wife to a mild mannered Richard Gere and starts to have an affair with a nice looking actor named Olivier Martinez. It gets pretty hot and they're doing it like bunnies through the first half of the movie. Then something happened that just completely ruined it for me. If you want to know what that something is click on the link and if don't want to be spoiled, well, then I suggest that you don't. So, hubby finds out about said affair and, completely out of character, he ends up killing the guy accidentally. Here is where I expect him to call 911 or some such thing but what he does, instead, is roll him up in a rug and dump his body. They had already set the tone for this character and then tried to make me believe that he would now kill someone and try to cover it up. I don't think so. Anyhow, more stuff happens between this part and the end that is not believable so watch at your own risk and don't say I didn't warn you

Weird quizzes

I made it to the gym. It was so good to get back. I did biceps and triceps and they are definitely gonna kill tomorrow. All right, here are some weird quizzes, as promised:Find your inner random object! by EmilyHmmmm, can I be this spoon?http://toomanycolors.net/jm/index.php?quiz (another quiz with this)I'm Bath Soap! Everybody needs me! Some more than others.Both men and women just seem to rip their clothes off whenever I'm near.Go me! Take the What Kind Of Soap Are YOU? quiz @ The Quiz Blog @ Door.nu

Let's try that again

No gym yesterday but I am going to try again today for around noon-ish. Nothing on the go for today so it shouldn't be a problem. Never even typed a word for that fic. I got all caught up surfing the www for nice pics of JM and playing my guitar. I really have to stop letting me distract myself, but JM is such a lovely distraction. It seems that I am getting to be a bit of a quiz junky. I actually took a quiz that would tell me what kind of butt I am. Maybe I'll add some of the stranger quizzes I've come across to my journal later; why should I have all the fun?

Plans changed

Unfortunately, the gym will have to wait until tomorrow. The electrician decided he wanted to finish wiring the basement today and my small window of opportunity went out the window. On the bright side, the basement can be completely dry walled now. I can't wait until it's finished. It's half of a house out of commission. Time to get started on that fic.

Plans changed

Unfortunately, the gym will have to wait until tomorrow. The electrician decided he wanted to finish wiring the basement today and my small window of opportunity went out the window. On the bright side, the basement can be completely dry walled now. I can't wait until it's finished. It's half of a house out of commission. Time to get started on that fic.

Agenda for today

Ok, today I get my ass back to the gym after an extended hiatus. I'm actually looking forward to getting back. I've lost most of the weight that I wanted to before I started on the weight training. Gonna try and tone up and get some definition. Having a pool and knowing that you will be spending most of your summer in a bathing suit is definitely motivation. So, that means that I have about 4 months to get this body of mine built. It's hard to believe that in only 4 months time the sun will be shining brightly and the flowers blooming since all I see out my window is snow, snow, and more snow. Thank god it's not as cold as yesterday. It was -21C, without the wind-chill, in the morning, burrrr. After the gym I plan on getting the first chapter of my fic finished or at least started. I'm also going to start hunting for someone who will be willing to beta read it for me. I think I may ask estepheia if she knows of anyone who might be interested. Lastly, I will have to seriously consider getting this place in order. It's starting to look quite dumpy around here. Oh, how I loathe housework.

A little fan fic

So, I thought that I'd try my hand at a little fan fic but was waiting for a plot to come to me. I finally came up with one that didn't seem too lame. I think that I may be going about it a little ass backwards though as I wrote the end first. Word count is 1,651 on my first draft. Now all I need to do is find someone to beta it for me; after I get the beginning done of course. The story itself is set in season 7 of Buffy and has a B/S pairing. Perhaps I should wait to outline the story until I know exactly where it's going. I'm off to bed now. I've spent most of the day on the comp. writing and the old eyes are getting a tad buggie and tired.

Inkblot test

I took a Inkblot test and here's what it said about me. Check it out if you're interested.Emode's Original Inkblot Test Akasha, your unconscious mind is driven most by Resistance You approach the world with your guard intact because unconsciously, and perhaps consciously, you want to maintain an element of control in your relationships with people. You tend to hold your private experiences just out of reach of others. You're not one to immediately show all your cards, to let people into who you really are until you're ready.Unfortunately, that sometimes means you also hide things from yourself. You may find that your desire to remain guarded backfires, affecting your self-awareness. Why are you like this? It's possible that you act in this manner because of a deeply-rooted fear of being exposed, or of truly expressing yourself. To protect yourself from this fear, you act in the opposite manner — you are guarded. There is a certain respect that comes with resistance, an unconscious understanding that the human psyche is very vulnerable. We all feel we have a lot to hide, and you are not one to be intrusive or thoughtless about how you approach sensitive topics with others. Therefore you inspire a sense of safety in others when they are around you. Your psyche is very deep, very rich, and the more you can let yourself know (both the good and the bad), the more you will be able to appreciate who you really are. Though your unconscious mind is driven most strongly by Resistance, there is much more to who you are at your core. Want to try it out yourself? http://www.emode.com/tests/inkblot/

Bits and Pieces

First off, I'll say that I enjoyed Buffy last night although I would have liked to have seen less of the SIT's and more of Spike. We got some Spuffy moments which are always nice albeit few and far between. I'm looking forward to the rest of the season.-------------------------------------------- I came across Jerry Springer while channel hopping the other day and, not unlike a train wreck, couldn't help but watch a bit. I swear I could feel my I.Q. dropping, moment by moment, as I watched. It seems to me that the show has resorted to hiring piss poor actors, given them a basic story line, and then asked them to adlib everything else, which they do terribly. Who actually watches this crap?--------------------------------------------- I was feeling a little creative the other morning and wrote another song inspired by the fact that I am unable to sing in front of people. It's called "The Great Divide" which, in my song, is a metaphor for all the things within ourselves that hold us back in life. In my case it's what holds me back from singing. If you're interested, here it is.The Great DivideFaithfading fastwhy won't it lastit's like a landslideFearI can't begincan't hold it init won't be deniedChorus:Looking outinto the Great Dividecan't help wonderingwhat's on the other sideI tried to jumpbut it was far too wideI couldn't get pastwhat it impliedDoubt creeping ina deadly sinof the worst kindNerveit falls awaywhy won't it stayit's been left behindChorus: x2

I am happy t...

I am happy to say that I learned how to use the mark up tags so I get the nice links instead of the long drawn out post. Very handy. I wish this damn cold I have would go away. I feel like I just might cough up a lung if I'm not careful. I had pneumonia last year and was given some prescription cough medicine that was terribly strong. At one point I didn't know if I was awake or asleep after taking it. I definitely do not want a repeat of that bit of nastiness.

100 Things About Me

I hear that some of the LJ folk like to include this type of info in their journals and I would like to also so I will add my list of 100 things about me. Read if you want but I can't promise you'll find it interesting.Hmmm... O.K., where to start? Well, I've lived in Ontario my whole life and somehow have never even left the province. (This I will have to amend soon.) I have never been to a concert.( Even though I love music) Ever. (No pity please. I will eventually) Addictions: Smoking, Caffeine, Buffy and, last but certainly not least, James Marsters.I recently quit drinking as I have found that causes more problems in my life then I care for. No, I'm not an alcoholic. I did drugs (nothing too heavy) in my early teens and have not touched them since nor do I like to be around those who do.I have a hysterical fear of bees. The kind that makes you run into speeding traffic or get into accidents if you think there's one in the car while you're driving. I have a bizarre dislike of feet. I don't like them on me, around me, near me or anything that sounds like the previous; and please don't clip your toenails where I can see you doing it. Eewwww!! I was raised Roman Catholic but am an Atheist. To quote a very wise man: " I go through life with the conviction that what is to be will be. I consciously follow a moral and truthful pattern, not because I fear the wrath of a conjured-up being 'who loves us all,' but because acting in a decent and humane manner towards my fellow beings is the civilized thing to do. When I depart this life I ask for no more than that I be remembered as a decent, moral human being, I will not experience eternal heavenly bliss (an awful bore), nor the eternal fires of Hell (a frightful, coercive invention) but quite simply an eternity of nothingness." End quote. This pretty much sums up my feelings on this subject and I am content in my beliefs (or non-beliefs, whatever). I have to sleep at least 8 hours followed by the mandatory 2 cups of coffee or I don't function properly. I have a fascination with vampire myth and lore etc. I guess I find the whole idea of staying young and living forever seductive. And we all know that the whole neck biting thing is just metaphor for sex, which I like. My favorite movie is "Interview With The Vampire." Why, you ask? See above. Plus, lots of eye candy for the ladies (and certain men). I mean who wouldn't want Lestat, Louis or Armand to bite them? My favorite TV show is "Buffy The Vampire Slayer." Why, you ask? Again, see above. Also, I am just in love with Spike. I love James Marsters even more though. Music. Well, I have an affinity for female vocalists. I like Jewel, Alanis Morissette, Sarah McLachlan, Jann Arden, Michelle Branch and others. Bands I like are Our Lady Peace, Led Zepplin, Barenaked Ladies, Aerosmith and many others I hear on the radio but don't know their names. I'm also really diggin' Ghost of the Robot (James Marsters' band). I have to add that I would have liked the music even if I had no idea who James Marsters was. I love it when a man wears the cologne Drakkar. It makes me all giddy and weak in the knees. *wink* Turn-on: Intellect, humor, confidence, nice teeth. Turn-off: Idiocy, conceit, people who worry too much about what others think, bad teeth. At different times in my life people have told me I look Alyssa Milano, the girl that played Jesse's wife on Full House and Alanis Moressete. Me, I don't think so. Must be the dark hair. I am very competitive and love to win but I'm not a sore loser. I have never met my father. My mother and I have almost no contact with each other. Mostly because she's not exactly all there. One sandwich short of a picnic I guess you could say. Other than my mother, I have no family to speak of.When it comes to expressing feelings in a relationship, I am more like the stereotypical man.I'm really into ancient history and can be found watching the learning channel if there's something on about pyramids or mummy's or some such thing.Although I am not religious I am fascinated by religion. It is truly amazing the things that people will do in the name religion or in the name of God.I play the guitar fairly well for someone who just picked one up a few months ago.I write songs complete with guitar tabs.If I had to choose a woman I would have gay sex with it would be Angelina Jolie. Why, you ask? She's beautiful and a little strange, ok, a lot strange but I find that interesting. Also, she's obviously not afraid to be herself. The last grade I finished in school was grade 8. Surprised? I hope so. I'd hate to think that you could notice my lack of schooling from this list.I love to read and own many, many books, all of which I've read at least once.My favorite author is Anne Rice. Yes, I know, vampires again.I love silver jewelry.My ears are pierced only once and I didn't have them done until I was 11.I have one tattoo on my right ankle of a rose which I would like to have changed. I got it when I was 13.I have plans to get at least 2 more tattoo's, maybe three. One on my lower back and perhaps, another very small one, on my left shoulder blade.I love video games although I haven't played any in some time. My favorite games are adventure/role-playing games.I work out at a gym 5 times a week and wish they had Pilates classes because I can't seem to make myself do it at home with the video.I am one of the few women I know of who knows how to turn of the water, gas, and electricity without having to call a man.I know my way around a workshop and can use a multitude of power tools.I know how to fish and can tie my own lines and bait my own hook (except the minnows, have a hard time of putting a hook through something that's looking at me).I get along with men better with women.I love to sing and can sing but couldn't sing in front of people if the fate of the free world depended on it (I'm working on this).I plan on taking acting classes in March.I love computers and seem to be a very quick study.I have owned almost every pet known to man at one time or another. My pet of choice right now is a ferret.I hope to meet James Marsters at Toronto Trek this summerOne of my weaknesses is that I'm terrible at math.I abhor menial chores and will never make a good housewife.I don't seem to like any of the people that I meet of late. I wonder if that says something about them or me?I have one very close friend whom I've know since I was 5. I rid myself of the other friends I had at 14 as they were going no where fast in life (drug use and the like) and have never bothered to make new ones.I don't put a lot of stock into what other people think about me as I feel it makes it hard to be true to yourself.I am neither a cat nor dog person. I like both equally.My favorite color is blue.My favorite number is 9.I love Italian food.Pretty much my whole wardrobe consists of clothes that are either black, white, blue or gray. I'm not exactly a fan of bright colorsI was once addicted to potato chips. I would sit and eat half of a big bag for breakfast until I realized they were going to make me fat. I haven't had chips in almost 2 years now (not including the odd one here and there).I would rather clean toilets than do dishes any day.I've been proposed to twice but am not married. The toilet paper roll goes on with the paper going over the top not down from behind.I do not like pop and prefer juice or milk and recently, water. If I have to choose, my choice is Coke over Pepsi (it's sweeter).I love the smell of Lilac and Easter Lilly's. I wish they'd make a perfume with the smell of mountain spring downy fabric softener.I am a Virgo and have most qualities of a Virgo excluding the extreme neatness.I can be a little obsessive/compulsive about some things. See the toilet paper roll issue above.I listen to my music too loudly and sing while I drive.I'm always right... lol.I have a nasty temper.I have a fear of flying. I've never been on a plane. Maybe one day.I've always wanted to write but I've never really finished anything in case I find I can't.This year I will have my last birthday as I don't want to get any older (I'm 24).I come across, to most, as confident and sure of myself but I have moments of insecurity and self doubt more often than they know.Sometimes I lack the courage of my convictions. Only sometimes.I am tossing around the idea of writing some Buffy fan fic.A few places I would like to visit: New Orleans, Ireland and specifically the Pyramids and Stonehenge. Getting there might present a problem. I may have to rethink the fear of flying bit.I believe there is life out there, other than us. In a universe as vast as ours, well, there's got to be something. An amoeba even. I'm not so sure they've been here though. I mean, come on, that whole anal probing thing and the crop circles seem a bit ridiculous don't ya think? I once took a Proprioceptive Writing workshop. It's interesting. Look it up sometime. It helps to get some stuff out and gives you a little incite into just how that brain of yours works. Basically, the idea is to write exactly what comes to mind no matter what it is; see where it leads you.I can sometimes have a bit of an inferiority complex when it comes to my intellect. Not finishing school can do that to ya. On the bright side I do go out of my way on occasion to learn many things.I have a terrible habit of interrupting because I'm afraid that I'll forget what I was going to say when it's my turn. You always forget the best stuff too.I seriously think I may be allergic to house cleaning.I am a INTP/J. This personality type, either way, makes up only 1% of the population. If you've ever read the book "Please Understand Me" you'll know what I'm talking about. If you haven't it's an interesting read and I highly recommend it.I've never had a filling. Ever. Dental hygiene is important.I know how to knit and crochet as well as sew. Now, I don't do it often mind you.When I was little I used to play cards for money. So what if it was crazy eights, I won.I kick ass at Trivial Pursuit. I have a multitude of useless knowledge and I am able to remember celebrities names which helps in the entertainment category.I am pessimist with optimistic tendencies.I can sleep no matter what is going on around me or in my life. The world could be ending tomorrow but I will still get my 8hrs. in and feel refreshed and ready for the apocalypse. I know... it's a gift.I like to think that I'm funny despite the fact that not everyone agrees all the time.I'm very stubborn and sometimes it can take a lot to change my views on things.I hope to win the lottery one day and live the rest of my days filthy stinkin' rich.Contradictions can drive me to insanity.I've actually driven 1 block to get a news paper because I was too lazy to walkMy biggest fear is of dying with the thought that I did nothing with my life.I hope to one day make a living in some kind of artistic endeavor.I use the online name "Akasha" because she is strong, beautiful and confident albeit a tad evil but no one is perfect. Also, she's a vampire; the queen of the damned.I hate it when people beat around the bush about things... just get to the point already!When I was really little I used to have a dream that continued, night after night, right from the point where it left off, that there were 2 of me, one of which could fly.I have learned that going ice fishing on the coldest days of the year will earn you the respect of men more than anything else you do in everyday life.I AM CANADIAN!!I hate it when people use the bible to condone and even aid themselves in their persuits of racisim and bigotry.Something weird: My brain sometimes thinks with an English accent.A little thought on life: Never be afraid to be yourself. You are the only you there is, you are unique and you have something no one else has... your point of view. Well, I guess that's about it. You can take me or leave me. It's up to you.

Quotes

I thought I'd add some of my favorite quotes:Reality is perception.Perceptions change.Reality is fluid.So if by "reality" you mean reliably, tangibleobjects and immutable events, thenthere is no such thing.~Dean Koontz from the book "Ticktock"~The next 2 are from the movie "As Good As It Gets"A woman asks Jacks character how he writes women so well and he responds with:"I think of a man and I take away reason and accountability"Now, as a woman, I find this statment mildly offensive but the writers did good with this one."Go sell crazy somewhere else; were all stocked up here."I'll think of some more later.

First Journal Entry

I finally have a live journal. I have been tossing the idea around for a while and am pleased so far with the outcome. I think I may have to play around with the color schemes in the near future but this one will do for now. Perhaps a song is in order for my first entry...I wrote this a few weeks ago. I took me about 2 hours to finish including the guitar tabs. Fairly quick I'd say. I sent the lyrics to Jocasta to do a analysis on it although I did not mention that I wrote it. We'll see how good her analyzing skill are. I have to say that I'm not quite ready to divulge who I had in mind when I wrote this. Maybe I'll spill it at a later date... then again, maybe not.I hope to hear back from Jocasta soon. I'm getting very curious. I'll have to put her analysis in here when I get it. A Place Fly me to a placeWhere all I see is your face Oh, fly me to a place Where I'm surrounded by your graceGuide me to a place Where all I hear is your voiceOh, guide me to a place Where your fate is a choiceChorus:Make for me a worldWhere this place existsMake for me a world Where I can live like thisHide me in a place Where all I taste is you kissOh, hide me in a place Where all I want is thisLead me to a place Where all I feel is your loveOh, lead me to a place Where I have a heaven up aboveChorus:Me 2003